It's killing me.....

I’ve been thinking why am I sleeping so much lately. There are days when I don’t perform at all…I always wake up late and miss breakfast. Even if I do wake up early and manage to have breakfast in time, I sleep after staring for a while at that same page of lecture note as last night. I can sleep through the afternoon until I’m late for the only 2-hour lecture of the day…after which I come back…idling a bit before dinner…and come back to face that same page of lecture notes again. I can try very hard to read and interprete those few words and it just doesn’t seem to make sense or commit to memory. My mind drifts off unknowingly countless times….before I finally fall asleep again…. until the next day...and history repeats itself again.

I’ve been having a lot of dreams, almost every time I fall asleep. In fact, although I sleep through most hours of the day, I don’t feel energized at all. I feel dull and unmotivated. I feel lost and aimless. I don’t know what I’m doing everyday. Trying to do what I think I’m supposed to do (which is study) but falling short of my expectations each and every time. 80% of the target that I set for myself everyday or every week were never met. What is wrong with me?

Just now, I had a dream where I’m escaping from some evil forces. I have a few friends as my allies. Sometimes I’m alone, sometimes I’m not. In my dream, I can fly. Just that it was more like holding on to a flying basket which elevates higher and higher up the sky while some evil forces, like an extending arm tries to grab me very close below. Then, I can walk on clouds. Just that everything around was blurry and hazy that we knew we had to be careful because the enemies can be anywhere around to capture us. What am I running away from?

Maybe its a form of escapism. I always remember that a friend told me that sleeping is a very good way of solving certain problems. In fact, it is a very good way to take a break from this world. There is a twilight zone just before I fall asleep. Thoughts become clouded…reality and imagination become blur and indistinct. There is a sense of calm, neither happy nor unhappy. There is a sense of detachment from this world, like I don’t really exist in this world. Nothing really matters anymore.

That is why, sleeping should be therapeutic! However, I’ve slept past so many hours that work is piling up. The more I sleep the more it accumulates. All the more I feel discouraged and disappointed with myself whenever I wake up and find myself sleeping again. It becomes a viscous cycle. I’ve always been trying very hard to escape from it. Its pretty funny because when I come to think of it, I am actually trying to escape from escaping! Isn’t that ironic? (yea…it is another rhetorical question)

I really am bursting to be able to break free from this. Whatever that is holding me back. It’s so complicated I don’t even comprehend. I want to go out and conquer the world! I want to know people around here like I used to. I want to be the next president! I want to be a director! I want to be a writer! I want to be a comic artist! I want to design some distinguised architecture. A skyscraper?a monument? A landscape garden? I want to travel around the world taking wonderful photos of foreign land and people. I want to buy land and build my own dream house. I want to be that pretty woman walking down the street. I want to be that sexy girl dancing under those lights. I want to be on the court scoring and smashing down my opponent. I want to surf the waves and build the most jaw-dropping sand castle under the sun. I want to ride the bike and race the wind. I want to create wonderful masterpieces and make beautiful music. I want to play flute with the orchestra. I want to play piano at home. I wanted to tell eason, I love your music when I really had the chance. I wanted to touch his hair and shoulder when I really did have the chance! I want to be that sassy girl that bullies her bf just because she really loves him. Ahah…..yea, maybe that’ll happen one day when I throw up on some bald man’s head in the mrt and call the cute boy beside him honey. *evil grinz*

I really am too tired for this. I had the greatest dreams to be realised by a small frame with too little courage. I really just want to feel happy and content by myself. Which is not easy as a perfectionist. (am i?) I wish I were blind to flaws so that the world could be a more beautiful place. So that I can fool myself, thinking I’m so beautiful and capable. But I really know it too well to deceive myself. And as the years go by, dreams fade….hope dwindles…. Like bubbles bursting….one by one… I know I gotta be more realistic. I know I can’t have it all. I know I have to make decisions…. and bear the consequences. Although I work so hard…so hard….there are things I just have to accept to be a happier person.

I feel that I really am not what I appear to be now. I believe there is a me somewhere in the future. A very different me. A liberated form of me. She finally gains freedom, whatever constraints, mentally or financially. I wish I could meet her now so that she can tell me what I can do now to be her one day. But now I’m so lost I’m questioning her existence. I hope I knew more about her. I hope I know what I can do now so that she’ll be happy. I hope she is happy and content in her own time. Meanwhile, I’m trying very hard to figure out more about her…. *think*…..*think*….zzz..z….z……